remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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