She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
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