then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
