Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
