TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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