I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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