i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
