If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
one might say we're banned from that church
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
i am craving dick and cupcakes
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