Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
