saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
