i wish there were pregnant emoticons
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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