party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
