just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
