I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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