OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
