It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
