garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
