Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
