you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
