i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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