where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
