I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
