she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize