I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
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