I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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