Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
