you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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