Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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