I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
