this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
