I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
