who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
