We had to coat check the pizza.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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