Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
