Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
it's like iHOP with fire
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
