we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
