I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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