so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
