you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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