xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
