ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Randomize