Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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