somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
