I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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