there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Life is so much better after having sex.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
