I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
