my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
