never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
