if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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