there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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