Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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