Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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