That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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