How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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