alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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