I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
