you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize