i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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