jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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