I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
